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It was a beautiful day for a Red Dress Run even though none of the worthless, ungrateful, unappreciative, rude, self-centered, thoughtless half-minded wankers bothered to thank the RA, I’m sure he’s not bitter. The Ohio hashers were there on time, heeding the warnings by the hares not to be late. While, on the other hand, hashers from Kentucky were taking a detour through Cincinnati because the hares had evidently coordinated with the highway department to make a YBF by closing the 5th street off ramp. Everything turned out okay, because even though the hares told everyone to be there at 4:00 sharp or be SOL, they evidently forgot to tell the bus drivers, who were obviously on drag queen time and arrived at 4:27. This turned out to be very convenient as some of the hashers needed a little extra time to accessorize. On a related note the following men are never again allowed to give a woman a hard time for taking too long to get ready: Hyper Hand Job, Little Boy Blue Balls, Golden Showers and Son of a Nun. There were as many different philosophies on proper attire as there were hashers. GAR’s mom went the Shakespearean Maiden route while Vommit Dog went for the WNFL linebacker look. Son of a Nun and I’m Not Gay obviously spent an extraordinary amount of money on their wigs while on the other hand Hot Pockets evidently got hers from the Dollar Store. I'm sorry that was mean but she deserved it for making the rest of us look bad. Whenever I saw her I wasn't sure if I should drink a beer or buy a vowel. 3 Way Time went for the 80’s chic while Mystic Blow went the twenty’s flapper route and One More Ho just gave a nod to red while Cavity Search dress looked like Walt Disney threw up. Speaking of cartoon creators Fluffer looked like the title character from Dr Seuss’s little-known book “Horton Hears a Ho”. There was a short circle to introduce the virgin (how does Dead Fucker find so many of them?) which would have been a great time to thank the RA for the perfect weather but I guess that would be a little too much to ask. Finally, the second the bus pulled up and Fat, Drunk and Stupid did his happy dance because he finally got to ride the long bus. As the hashers piled onto the busses they looked more like extras from Priscilla Queen of the Desert than they did drinkers with a running problem. I was lucky enough to get on the bus with Happy Endings as the bus monitor. Since she has four kids she knew how to handle a bus full of hashers. She assigned everybody bus buddies, informed us of the no puking policy and passed out the snacks. Soon we were on our way to the chorus of “the other bus sucks”. Little did we know how wrong we were, because when we arrived at our destination our bus spewed diesel fuel into a big puddle underneath it. Yep our bus sucked! Vommit said it was a fuel pump. But what does he know about pumps - he wouldn’t even wear them! While the hares were trying to prevent the hash from being renamed “Broke Bus Mountain”, Butt Digger used the extra time to make a little extra hash cash (and they call Mystic a ho). After another short circle and missed opportunity to thank the RA for the perfect weather the packs were off. The walkers followed AV while the runners followed Happy and Vommit. The walkers strolled along the right side of the reflecting pond taking time to pose for pictures while the runners took the long way around then sashayed down a service road. This gave the running pack an uneasy feeling as they knew going down, when are the bars are up, meant only one thing: steeper longer hills. And the pack was right. Up the hill we went. Followed by a left turn and up another hill. I had a call into Got crabs asking him to send us a sherpa but he never returned my call. Someone in the pack wondered aloud if it was worth climbing for the cheap beer that awaited us at the top. That hasher is now on double secret probation for his heresy. When we got to the top we didn’t stop at hash haven Crowleys as we had suspected. Instead we ran to a little bar called Monks Cove. Even though everyone walked over a rug bearing the likeness of our beloved RA still no one thought to thank him for the awesome weather. After a short time the walkers showed up and one tiny bar was now home to 70+ people in red dresses. Judging from the reactions of the passers-by it was like a gigantic live action game of “Where’s Waldo”. After a while the hares led us back down the hill to the busses. At first we were impressed when we thought the hares had substituted a limo for the broken bus, only to find out it was for a wedding party taking photos in the Gazebo. While we waited for the walkers to catch up we watched the fire department hose down our fuel spill and Vommit chatted with his cousin whose wedding he was supposed to attend. Which gives new meaning to “Always the bridesmaid, never the bride”. Each hasher grabbed his bus buddy and it was back on the busses to our next destination. It was a long ride with plenty of time to sit back and reflect upon what a beautiful day it was and how hard the RA must have worked to arrange it. But did anyone mention this…….I think not! The busses stopped right in front of a competitive shoe store and the pack exuberantly exited out into the glorious weather. We all got together for a picture check and we were off again. First we ran through a little park and then past some of Blues relatives playing basketball. Little Fister and Eats it Raw challenged winners to a game but they wouldn’t agree to play shirts vs skirts so they moved on. When we got to Hyde Park Dead Fucker attempted to auto hash with a complete stranger. She is going to have a story to tell on Monday. Soon we arrived at a picture check in front of a fountain. This would have been a perfect time to………screw it you bunch of ingrates. AV made certain that we got as many people in the picture as possible. Little did we know he was stalling to give the walkers more time to catch up. Some of the hashers took part in a game I like to call Fun with Son. Mystic played and got this reaction. Brown and Runny played which garnered this reaction. Soon it was on out and a Hyper Hand Job Memorial Straightaway to the next bar. Most of the bar’s patrons assumed we were crazed Ohio State fans but that may have been because of the red dresses and the singing of “Oh, we don’t give a damn about the whole state of Michigan”. After two Ohio State touchdowns it was on out. The walkers headed downhill and the runners up. If you are wondering “did the hares find any stairs?” the answer is yes and yes. The runners got to the bar slightly behind the walkers and we all sang Happy Birthday to some guy named Sean, ate some chips and drank some beer. We were supposed to bus to one more stop but it was getting late so the hares bussed us back to the on in. As always I don’t remember too many of the crimes. But here is what I do remember. The hare crimes were among others: Shitty trail Broken bus Ramp closed Too many hills Starting late And Blue Balls going Rosa Parks and sitting in the front of the bus The pack crimes included but not limited to: 3-way Time face planting in the exact same place she fell one week earlier The walkers for running to get to the beer faster even though they had shortcuts and a map Hyper drank for being Sergeant of Arms and only coming up with one crime on a three hour trail Curdled Cum drank for kicking down the closet door and coming to his first Red dress run The fashion crimes were Little Fister for Little Red Riding in da hood Blue Balls for Caribbean Queen Dead Fucker for wearing a sweater and a dress And Una for wearing a Pink dress even though she tried to blame it on NHN. The virgin drank for being a virgin then later drank for turning AV into a newt. A song from Kat Woman greeted most crimes. This was a real treat for Sin City hashers as the prerequisite to be songmeister here is to be tone deaf and unable to carry a tune in a bucket. 3-way got one Wile for above mentioned header Pubic got the other for making it so GAR can’t drink beer. The crutch went to the first female to make it to the bar which oddly enough turned out to be Son of a Nun The Grand Master closed the circle and even as hashers disappeared into the perfect evening no one stopped to thank the RA.
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