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ReHash # 235 Sunday, 05.May.2002, 1:00 p.m.
EDST OK, Cincy wankers. I'm holding you responsible for the content of this rant,er, re-hash of the Flying Pig Hash. All I wanted to do was console an out-of-town harrierette who'd never been to the big city and had something in her eye(ME!)and BAM!!, Pecker Checker nominates me, ME, to do the re-hash. Well here ya go! Sorry I haven't written sooner, but my old pappy said never do today what you can screw up tomorrow. Well, here goes. A beautiful day for running an event much easier driven, but I guess we all have ways of making up for our deficiencies. While some folks wasted 3-5 perfectly good drinking hours, the rest of us watched with amused smiles as some of our brothers and sisters tried to kill themselves. Did any of them, uh, perish the thought, WIN? Why no, no they didn't. Did any of them place? Again, no, no they didn't. Did any of them show? Uh-Uh. So I ask the question, What the hell were they doing out there? Well,we may never know. But then again most of us don't care anyway. So on with the legend of the Flying Pig Hash. Sunday, May 5 2002. A beautiful day. The group gathered at about 1 PM to start the hash. Hares were, as far as I remember, Smegma, one of the aforementioned geeks and FN, a mini-geek who'd run only 5ish miles while coaxing a friend to sacrifice her health and well being to her own egomaniacal appetite. If I missed anyone, it's because I was helping the outta towner with a sore tushy. I am a massage guy after all. The crowd consisted of the usual suspects and some new faces as well. Of interest was a girl holding a crutch. I figured she was a dedicated hasher to show up with a crutch. Probably going directly to the beer near. As I stood there, looking over the crowd, I was accosted by Mistic Blow, who for no other reason, saw fit to have a tizzy about God knows what. Mistic to me is like that annoying little sister who'd always torment you when she knew mom or dad was near. Close enough to slap, but just too many witnesses. Anyway, as I took my apres' bag to the sag wagon, the pack took off and left me stranded. Luckily, the out of towner(Fri2Lay) was in need of more of my soothing words, so I wasn't too pissed. And Stinky Winky was near for guidance through the mean streets of downtown Cincinnatti. Well, we took off at a blazing saunter, hoping to reel in the pack before it got too dark to navigate the streets and the underbelly of the city came to the fore. It took about about 5 minutes before the pack, confused and distracted, was in our sight. Stinky lamented skipping Arnold's, apparently a crack den of some repute. But the hares had other plans and we were as ensnared in them as a curly hair in the eye teeth. So on we went. On a street corner near that area, we caught the pack. As we approached, Mystic again accosted me. This time, she reminded me of how my gramma used to get when the dementia finally set in. As we passed this big garden area(not it's real name), the chick who'd had the crutch at the start, came blazing by like a gazelle. "Damn tough chick", I thought. Probably a minor pull or shin splints, I thought. As we continued, Stinky entertained us with his famous "IT Band stretch" trick. Basically he instructs you to stand in a funny position and hike your butt up in the air. Not realizing I was being set up, I tried it. Ya know it really works! Srry Stinky, I thought you were setting me up. It really is a funny position. Ok, enough of that. Next, we made it to the City View for our first beer near. Nice place. Had a few, then, as I was talking to Gimp about orienteering, Best Blow, in his best Mystic imitation,incoherently accosts me about some crime I've committed. Not sure whether to just smile and nod like a Japanese tourist, or put a wallet between his teeth and call the paramedics, I chose the former. He quickly calmed and walked away mumbling something about Mystic's diaper. Well once I'd exited the bar, I again noticed I was all alone. Except for that well-built out of towner, who by now was a lot calmer...and friendlier. Let them go on, I can follow a trail. heh,heh,heh. Two seconds later, just as I was expounding on the intricacies of quantum mechanics to Ms. Fri2Lay, the damn trail ended. What the hell was that? I came expecting a trail. I was promised a turkey/eagle, not a turkey/turkey. Well,several of us alpha male types wondered what the deal was. e were told the t/e split occurred a few blocks back and that there was a beer near out there that need rescuing. As we searched for trail, I found the t/e split. In chalk, on a corner, about the size of a nickel, were the TINY letters t/e. OK, there was a split, it was just teeeensy-weeeensy. So we took off on our mission. Ten or Twenty minutes later, we were back at the on-in after NONE of us found the damn beer near. FN swore it was out there, just off the side of the stairs we climbed. The steep, wet stairs that demanded our attention to keep from falling off the side into a muddy abyss. I guess we'll just take her word for it. Back at the on-in, there was beer a plenty and food too. Only the food was gone. I had a bean and a piece of bread crust I found on the ground. And Mystic was once again on me about something. I think she likes me. Like that annoying little girl in grade school with the braces that just wouldn't leave you alone. The circle was pandemonium. Totally out of control. I think a cattle prod is in order. Ultimately, some things got done. I found out why the speedy chick had the crutch. Then I understood why Organ Grinder got it. Some analversaries were mentioned: Neon Knockers, who doesn't return my calls, has 130. No wonder she never calls back. Pubic Offender, who came out of post-event hybernation looking like a ruffled Hugh Hefer, has 60. Ball Banger, who's just too damn cute except for the fact that she obviuosly attention starved to have let the hash believe she's leaving and then not left. She's threatening to defect again in June. Stay tuned to this site for updates. Shnort, who I don't know and therefore must assume has no grasp on how funny I really am amd therefore I won't make a funny story about her and risk pissing her off, has 20 hashes. Scooby Doem, who has the fastest stairs in the Columbus area and the best safety equipment for sliding down them, has 10 hashes. And, Finally, Beaver Reliever, friend of Horney Pumper, who absolutely NEEDS to be in touch at ALL times, has 5 hashes. In closing, I must say thanks to PO for all the food, beer and chicks at his abode. I think it was his abode. If it wasn't his abode, then thanks to whoever owned the abode. And a big fat "You Suck!!" to Pumps the Baby's Bottom for enticing me to park behind him at the on after, only to find one of Cincinnatti's finest leaving me a parking ticket. My only revenge is that he got one too! You owe me 36 bucks! Thanks Cincy folks, except for the up hill both ways trail, me and Fri2Lay had a great time. On-On Wedgie PS Cincy wankers. Things I forgot because I been writing so damn long and I'm tired. Lil Hole On the Side, who wants the chance to someday wrestle(and lose to) me has 15 hashes. Stay in the gym and I might let you get on top once or twice! And we were intro'd to Virgin Chris. Will he return? If he don't, then all those chicks didn't make an impression and I'll have to assume he belongs in Jacksonville. And last, but far from least, the naming of gazelle girl. Her mom calls her Kim, but after much half minded babbling and a "democratic" vote, the hash calls her, because of her obvious speed and accelleration, Off Like A Prom Dress. A good name and a name I'm sure her mom will want to have explained several times to see if the stories match. On-Out!! Hashers who came: $3.00 A Minute Anal Vice Ball Banger Beat It Beaver Reliever Best Blow Blue Balls Body Fluid Hazard Bruce NHN Stambaugh Butt Digger Chris NHN Anspach Cums After 1st Jerk Dah Gimp Eats It Raw Famunda Flashing Horny Pumper Fourgasm Free 2 Lay Fucking Nothing Fudge Tracker Golden Showers Got Crabs? Hot Tub Slut Hot Wax Me Off Little Hoe On The Side Loose Lips Mystic Blow Neon Knockers Off Like A Prom Dress Organ Grinder Pinocchio Fucks Chickens Pubic Offender Pumps The Baby's Bottom SCH4nort Scooby Doo Em Scum Sucking Fecal Feeliac Shutter Fucker Sixty Nina Smegma Stinky Winkie stroX coX baXwards Suck This The Unalicker Tight Box Tight Sphincter Wedgie Wouldn't You
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