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SCH4 #246 -- Splish Splash Canoe Hash II We were given EXPLICIT ERECTIONS on the website to be at the canoe livery NO LATER than 1:00pm because we were going to be taking a bus and we WOULD be left behind if we were late. Turns out that was just another one of Hot Tub Slut’s lies to get us there on time. We wankers all wandered around aimlessly in the parking lot (don’t we always), circled up briefly to introduce ourselves until about 1:30. That’s when we were herded into vans and made to sit on wooden benches. I don’t think the air conditioning was on. Felt just like cows being led to the slaughter. After a brief journey, we were dropped off in the middle of a dusty road out in the middle of nowhere. Well, I’m sure it must have been in Loveland somewhere, but sure felt like a scene out of “Deliverance,” complete with an unusual “wymin’s only” retreat going on in the field next to us. They were all hootin’ and hollerin’, rejoicing, and probably wondering what the hell we were doing. Hot Tub Slut revealed the “mystery hare” – Neon Knockers. After some cursing and brief complaining, she and HTS took off running with their bags of chalk. We circled up to do some hash aerobics. Gashole nominated Quarter Barrel to start us off with “Father Abraham” since he was already so skilled in the hand gestures of the song, but true to form, Quarter Barrel immediately screwed that up and was then relieved of his duties. The pack took off running up the dusty road. We pretty much followed a beaten path. I was WAY in the back of the pack, so I have no idea what happened up there, but all of a sudden hashers just came running back toward me. They mentioned something about a back check. We went down into a creek and looked about for some hash marks but could only find two. Some frustrated and tired hashers said, “Screw this” and ran back from whence they came, which included running through the back check. But our die-hard hashers, who are usually either A.) FRB’s, B.) lost, or C.) don’t really care if they see hash marks anyway, were INSISTENT upon finding true trail, and therefore we never saw them again. Those hashers who have a keen nose for smelling beer knew that eventually the trail would go along the beaten path, and whaddya know, even though we ran through the BC, we found some hash marks. Beer Near. There was much rejoicing. We drank to our fallen comrades who were still probably trying to find trail in the shiggy. No sign of Anal Vice, Gourmet, Best Blow, Fudge Tracker, Scum Sucking Fecal Feeliac, When Hairy Met Chunky, or Blue Balls. We took off. Came to a picture check in front of some weird telephone pole artwork. Beat It thinks this is where the folks on the retreat gather. Ran along rail road tracks through downtown Loveland, and then came back to the canoe livery. Some hashers were lucky enough to be given some bottled water by the wymin on the retreat. Maybe they looked like they needed “saving.” If only they knew. In the circle, Hot Tub Slut and Neon Knockers drank for being hares. They drank many times. I don’t know – HTS keeps insisting on wearing these ripped shorts that show off his red underwear. I was distracted. Our wayward hashers had to drink for missing the beer near. Me, I had to drink for having the movie “XXX” come out in theaters that weekend. (Do I look like Vin Diesel?) Short Round sang a song for Anal Vice to the tune of “Edelweiss.” We were all duly impressed. Gashole refined the standard “Who made you cum?” question and rephrased it as “Who made you participate?” to some virgins that HTS brought. I didn’t quite understand that whole bit. Visitors included Pumps the Baby’s Bottom, Slippery Asshole, and some other wankers, I forget. Hare analversaries included HTS who now has 35 harings under his belt. Seriously, HTS, the pack is going to start holding some interventions if you keep insisting you don’t have a hashing problem. Going for a perfect attendance record this year ain’t helping your case either. Other analversaries (I hope I remembered them all, if not I really apologize. I’m doing this all from memory): Golden Showers 55 And…… last, but not least… We had a renaming. Apparently, the On-After at the Gispert Memorial Hash last week was quite enlightening and a little bit on the “Too Much Information” side. I have no idea how this conversation got started, but somehow, Cums After the 1st Jerk told the tale of how he found his then-girlfriend/soon to be wife’s diamond on the end of his penis after they had finished doing the deed. Really. I don’t quite understand the physics of all that, but there you have it. I guess she would have been better off with a pearl necklace instead of a diamond necklace. All in favor of PUBIC ZIRCONIA say “Aye.” All opposed say, “Aye.” The ayes have it. Henceforth, Cums After the 1st Jerk shall be known as Pubic Zirconia. Hashers Who Attended the Hash Included: Anal Vice After the circle closed, SOME of us prepared to go canoeing down the Little Miami river. Blue Balls thought the water was too brown, and didn’t like the fact that it wasn’t moving, so he and Beat It stayed behind. Water snob! Around 3:30, we took our life jackets and oars and boarded the bus. As it turned out, it was the bus ride to Hell. We think our bus driver was playing the points game and seeing how many trees and signs she could hit. Bonus points for taking those curves a little too fast. With a loud “clank” she nailed one sign. From the back of the bus, a hasher yelled out, “You missed me!” Much to our bus driver’s dismay, we arrived at our destination with no injuries. Then the real fun began as we launched our canoes. All in all, it was a beautiful day for canoeing. The evening ended with a grill out and picnic back at Bruce’s Canoe Livery. The following awards were noted: Best Display of Hasher Stupidity: Hot Tub Slut insisting that carrying a near-empty keg to the head of the river and placing it in the middle of his canoe was a good idea. Least Familiar With The Purpose of A Canoe: Got Crabs? and Long Dong Silver for spending a majority of their time flipping over. Come on – you’re supposed to stay IN the boat for at least part of the time! Most Devious Use of Whipped Cream: Scooby Doo Em and Pubic Zirconia for filling a pie plate full of whipped cream and throwing it at some unsuspecting hasher. Best Sport: Neon Knockers for being recipient of above-mentioned pie plate full of whipped cream AND being Hot Tub Slut’s chosen “mystery hare” victim. Most Cumpetitive: Hyper Hand Job and virgin Cheryl NHN Zwirgzdas for paddling so quickly and finishing HOURS ahead of other hashers. Most Likely To Use Date’s Breasts as Flotation Devices: Holy Fuck. If you weren’t there, you’ll have to use your imagination. Best Use of Meat in a Porn Video: Hot Wax Me Off for sensuously running her fingers through the raw hamburger and pounding it into hamburger patties. Referred to afterwards as Waxy’s Titillating Tray of Meats. Least Subtle: Hyper Hand Job for wearing an apron that says, “Will Cook For Sex.” A true hasher, indeed. On Behalf of the Pack: Thanks HTS for organizing everything! We do appreciate it. Until next year…. stroX coX baXwards (Triple-X) |