SCH #247
Date: August 15, 2002, 6:30 pm
Location: Pleasant Ridge Park, Pleasant Ridge, OH
Hares: Golden Showers and then When Hairy Met Chunky and Fudge Tracker and ???
Scribe: PO (please note this is not the official rehash, 4gasm said she would DO IT, so it is cuming, with a little help from her.)


“Last Year I slept on Fecal’s air mattress at the camp out…it was a great experience!” -Tight Sphincter.

“Saddam Hussein is Afghanistan’s most dangerous dictator ever. I mean Iran’s. I mean Iraq’s.” -George W. Bush as quoted in the Boston Globe.

That guy looks like he was shot in the leg with a .45. Was that a .45 bullet?“ --ER nurse overheard at Jewish Hospital while Golden Showers was getting stitched back up.

****“Brain, I don’t like you and you don’t like me, but if you get me through this, I will do whatever you want.” -- Homer Simpson while taking a test.*****


I don’t want to go to the hash tonight. I don’t want to go to the hash tonight. I don’t want to go to the hash tonight. I am just bored with those dysfunctional misfits, cheapskates, and women who shave their legs although it is not part of their true sexuality and the guy show shaves his legs because it is part of his true sexuality. Probably Fudge will get picked again. I bet Gas Hole is going to borrow AV’s black Saran Wrap-like bicycle shorts that he was banned from wearing after the last hash. Schnort must have used the jaws-of-life to put on those things at the last hyper. I am supposed to be the escort for a hot blond divorcee for a 9pm party tonight. Note to self: She has big tits and lots of hot friends, PO, so don’t be late or blow her off, OK? Just do not let the hashers screw up your attempt to get a life/wife! If you do go to the hash, just don’t stay too long or drink so much that you cannot drive the hottie to the party. You really should stay home and paint the windows. I don’t want to go to the hash. I don’t want to go to the hash.

RING RING: “P.O., Its Triple X. Are you going to the hash tonight?

P.O.,:(whining like a seventh grader who has developed a dozen zits on the first day of school and is afraid of popping a boner on the bus): I do not want to go to the hash. I am depressed. Same old people, nothing exciting is going to happen. Once you have been to 66 hashes (somehow between the backrubs and doing my laundry she finds the time to voluntarily keep track of this for me), you’ve been there, done that. (This would later prove to be an ironic statement.)

XXX: Please do not miss my 25th Analversary! I get my lanyard tonight. Please?

P.O.: Hmmmmm…A woman begging me to see he....oh, yeah, I remember what to do in this situation: say ‘yes’ and take a shower first! ‘Yes! I’ll be there!’



2 hours later at the opening circle off Ridge Rd.:

There was the normal in-fighting among the peasants;…..squabble, squabble, squabble, squabble…. “I called the cops on my kids today”…..squabble, squabble, squabble, squabble squabble, squabble, squabble.

Someone had the bright idea to do the wave as we introduced ourselves to the virgin whose name AV forgot after ten seconds (does he really need beer?). Neon and SBDS (please tell me that is not true after marriage!), proved that they were true bimbos by failing to move their arms while announcing their names even though 20 people before them were able to comprehend the directions. Gas Hole, wearing the black saran wrap tights and large wool sock he had inherited from AV, did his version of the wave with the crude motion he has surely been perfecting since falling for marriage. (Hint: Rosy _ _ _ _ )
Hot Tub Slut provided a very long and anal retentive explanation of the marks, to which Neon sincerely observed, “Why is he being so anal retentive?” (OK, woman, since you have hashed with him about 100 times, such clueless questions will not get you name scratched off the bimbo roster!) Meanwhile some people nibbled on a bag of veggies after the circle, but, of course, those that needed to graze on low calorie food did not!

Damn. I do not want to be here. I ran yesterday. This is going to suck. There are hills all around here. Cool large playground! Maybe there are some kids around.

Then Golden Showers got picked to be the hare.

Damn. I think he is fast. This is going to suck. I do not know this neighborhood. Shit, I almost forgot I have to perform my mismanagement duties and pick a Scribe for the day.

I tried to pawn the rehash assignment off on Gas Hole, but he did his usual bitching and moaning (hmmm, it reminds me of my old girlfriend in Buffalo who perfected that to an art). Gas Hole nominated 4gasm to write the rehash to which she said “Yes” (oh, there is a new word out of her mouth, huh?). Gas Hole went on to bitch that no one wrote rehashes anymore. He said he missed rehashes done by AV. I said I agreed but got bored after page 11. I guess he will write a rehash when he hares.

Ten minutes was up so the pack was off. I stayed back to get a beer from Slut and some cardboard so 4gasm would have something to write rehash notes on.

Damn. I am tired. I do not want to be here. Everyone had left so I had to start running. Shit. Can’t someone exercise for me? It is not whining if you don’t verbalize your thoughts. I wonder if Neon has ever busted anyone for whining. Shit, I do not want to run, how can I short cut? Where the hell did they say the ON-IN was? I should have written it down.

Four minutes later we ran through a parking lot and saw a person who I truly thought was a random homeless man rolling in a pool of blood. A Walmart employee named Chris was attending to his wound by using his vest to make a tourniquet. It turned out to be Golden Showers! Sorry, man. He said he had badly cut his leg on a fence. We, and the cops who showed up, found this hard to believe since there were no fences in sight. Mystic told me to go help him since I am an EMT. In a flashback to the bar closing after the J. Alexander’s shooting last November, Mystic took the beer I was carrying out of my hand and never returned it. After all it had only been seven months since I had a random stranger’s blood on my hands at no fault of my own.

Damn. I always thought I would be drunk or overseas with Chunky where he does lord-knows-what if I was going to catch HIV. This sucks. I much preferred putting my hand on that shooting victim’s boob to stopping blood coming out of Golden’s ass! Oh, the things I do for my friends.
 

NEVER USE A TOUNIQUET UNLESS AN ARM OR LEG IS SEVERED!

They can cause blood clots and permanently damage organs such as the heart and brain! Instead, apply direct pressure firmly to the wound and also to the artery by the armpit or inner leg by the genitalia (impressed with my ability to write professionally, aren’t you?).

Additional instructions for super half minds: if someone is bleeding on their leg, this does not mean you should apply pressure to their armpit, OK? In that case you should apply pressure to their leg artery.

By the way, since XXX is still giving me shit for mistaking her dog’s belly button, and because Golden’s leg was no longer bleeding profusely, I decided not to put my ungloved hand between his leg and keep it there!

Then the cops, firemen, and ambulance arrived. The firemen had to coach the ambulance workers how to apply first aid. We were still trying to figure out the location of the mystery fence that elevated itself suddenly just as Golden was jumping over it (envision a young ballerina, OK?) AV TOLD me I was going to the hospital with Golden. I should have said, “Yes, my lord!” (So much for you Dayton folks sticking together, huh?)

Hmmmmm…..the average wait in an E.R. is three hours it is now 7pm. Let me do the math: 7 + 3 = 9. I can still perform my escort duties at 9pm!

“Yep. OK, I’ll go. I will probably just be a few minutes late for my date with the blond with big tits and hot single friends.”

Luckily, third year medical resident Dr. Schmidt came to Golden’s rescue at Jewish Hospital. He sewed up Golden’s ¾ inch deep wound. When he announced he was donewith sewing the three stitches needed, I looked at the wound and said, “Shouldn’t you put another one up here so it will heal evenly without a bump?” He replied, “Yeah, I guess I could do that,” and tied another stitch.

At some point Golden showed Dr. Schmidt an old tear in his shorts which had been sewn up. He explained the other rip was from another time he had difficulty jumping over a fence.

“So you have made this mistake before?,” Dr. Scmidt asked.

“Uh, yeah. It was last year, though.”

Then Dr. Scmidt gave me a quick and puzzled look.

“I just met him, I do not even know his real name,” I said.

Like a true hasher, I took the opportunity to go through Golden’s wallet. There was just a $20 in it (as far as he knows), and no condoms or women’s phone numbers. He protested this invasion of his privacy vehemently.

Shit, Golden, I have your ass blood all over my hands, I could be at bar at this time, and you kept asking me to look at your hairy pale ass to see how the wound looked and you are upset at me for invading your privacy? I have dated women who displayed more logic than you!

DISCLAIMER HERE:
I would not have enjoyed looking at his ass if it were tanned and shaved. For the record I kept trying to look down the nurse’s shirt.
 

The End

People who occasionally exchange bodily fluids with one another:

Anal Vice
Beat It
Best Blow
Biscuit Bitch
Blue Balls
Damaged Goods
Do You Feel Peter
Eager Beaver
Eats It Raw
Fourgasm
Fucking Nothing
Fudge Tracker
Gas Hole
Golden Showers
Got Crabs?
Gourmet
Hot Tub Slut
Hot Wax Me Off
Matt NHN Kaiser
Mystic Blow
Neon Knockers
Organ Grinder
Pubic Offender
Pubic Zirconia
SCH4nort
Scooby Doo Em
Scum Sucking Fecal Feeliac
Shawn NHN Loftus
Smegma
Stinky Winkie
stroX coX baXwards
Sucks But Doesn't Swallow
The Unalicker
Tight Sphincter
When Hairy Met Chunky


GROSS DETAILS FOR PEOPLE WHO SLOW DOWN AT CAR ACCIDENTS TO LOOK FOR GORE: It was gross! All of the flesh parts and fat were hanging out.

FLAG BEARER AWARD: Goes to Chunky for leaving him in a pool of blood and picking up the bag of flower to resume trail before the pack arrived.

SPECIAL REMINDER: Everyone please take this opportunity to re-read the SPECIAL MESSAGE FROM MISMANAGMENT on the home page.

SPECIAL THANKS: Best Blow, XXX, and Chunky for letting me mooch part of their dinners. And to Beat It for giving me many large glasses to do down-downs with; trust me, it is a pleasure to explain to your mother on Friday morning that you missed your flight home to see her because you were hungover and that you also managed to stand up a woman the night before.




PS. Offended? I really do not care!

PPS. Has anyone seen Vommitt Dog?