The Red Dress Hash
SCH4 #252

Date: Sept. 14, 2002
Place: Dayton, Ohio
By: Neon Knockers – the REAL one, no ghost writer.
Theme: RED….RED…..you heard me…RED

Participants: An odd, I mean unusual, I mean interesting, I mean unique – sometimes the words just escape me (I KNOW you find that hard to believe) assortment of 50 or so men and women of all sizes and shapes, all trying to out-do the others with their grand attire, meticulously selected and coordinated for this most auspicious annual occasion (to hashers anyway)!!

Drilled Sergent
Hot Tub Slut
Hot Pockets
Holy Fuck
Got Crabs?
Fucks Any Way But Up
Fourgasm
Ear Of The Sperm
Eager Beaver
Anal Vice
Drop Shorts
Jump & Hump
El Douche Bag
Doofus White Boy
Dah Gimp
Can't Fucking Copulate
Best Blow
Barrel Roll
Nipple Rash
Penis Head
Dum bAss
Phacial Kondom
The Unalicker
Splooge
Skid Marks
Shellie NHN Woods
Scum Sucking Fecal Feeliac
Scooby Doo 'Em
Rusty Prick
Pussy Pounder
Joanne NHN Hull
Porkless
John NHN Simmons
Perfect Fucking Date
Mystic Blow
Muddy Mallard Mole Fucker
More Leggs
Mike NHN Woods
Bloody Maxi Pad
Lube My Johnson
Laurie NHN Powers
Wedgie
Pubic Zirconia

Pulling into the parking lot arriving sociably late, of course, in Scooby Do ‘Em’s RED jeep, along with a RED clad Unalicker, Pubic Zirconia and of course Scooby, we had no trouble figuring out where the hashers were – RED, RED, EVERYWHERE RED. But wait!!!!!! I forgot one very important “thing”, “item”, “creature” who rode with us – in the back of course, WILE E., JR….My VIRGIN!! Totally decked out in his RED homemade-with-love outfit, Wile E., Jr. was at his first hash – thanks to all of the Sin City hashers who know how MUCH I just LUVED the old WILE, they decided I should be so honored to carry our new and much better smelling Wile. I still think TS or HTS would have been a better choice because they really like seeing Mini Me all dressed up and when Wile comes to my house he has to live in the trunk of my car. And I think a lot of the humans dressed in red were a bit jealous of Wile’s ensemble, topped off by those outstanding red & white shoes provided by our haberdasher to such famous inanimate things as Mini Me, the one and only t-shirt hawker extraordinaire – Hot Tub Slut.

ANYWAY. Many admiring compliments were shared and then the hares did the usual chalk talk. And the next TWO hours go something like this.

Across the street into the shopping mall area
-Lots of horns
-Lots of stares
-Lots of stopped traffic
-I think some people were scared
-I think I was scared – Rusty – next year, if you want to trim a little off the bottom of your dress, let me know and I’ll be happy to help – then maybe it’ll really be a DRESS, not a SHIRT. Very modest of you though, to pull it down over your underoos while we ran through the “G” rated mall and restaurant area.
-Mgr. Of the film store came running out to take pictures
-Residential area where HTS lifted his dress to show me he really DID have something on. Problem was he did it just as a little girl came around the corner of their yard with her mom following close behind. I thought for sure the sirens would be chasing us.
-BN – I know we scared any potential homeowners away
-Rain
-Pack is so spread out and a lot of walking is going on
-BN – We finally get to see where Catwoman peddles her tall lady garments.
Etc., etc., etc., you get the point…

FINALLY – trail is over WE THOUGHT! Most people just ran in front of the cinema complex back to the cars, but NO, some of us are just not smart and we continued to follow the dead trail to an out of the way gazebo and swingset for the promised Picture Check. Too bad no one had a camera.

Back to the start to be greeted by fellow hashers telling us to hurry up, get in the cars and go. Seems Mr. “I’m important and this is a government project and you can’t park here and WHO used one of our port-o-lets Property Manager” didn’t like the fact that we parked our cars on his lot and called the cops. We all left and who better to leave to talk to him but Anal Vice – looking so legitimate in his red dress and matching purse.

On-In- Lots of beer, some food, some accusations and a lot of not paying attention in the circle.
- Best dressed male (can you really call a guy dressed in a red dress with thong like underwear a REAL male?!?!) Winner- Wedgie
- Best dressed female – Fourgasm – seems her little princess tiara sent her over the top – literally as she was scooped up and over the shoulder of some big guy in a red dress – I’m sure that description is unique to only him on this day.
- Wile Jr. made me drink because he is a virgin but his mouth is sewn shut
- Lube My Johnson actually brought a VIRGIN to the Red Dress Hash – not just any Virgin, his new WIFE – Joanne. A virgin?!?! wait……I thought they already had their honeymoon?!?!…..well, never mind.

Later: across the street to a bar where we took care of all the college kiddies as they packed the place. They gave out strands of beads to the guys – they must have known how much hashers like to dress in drag. Seems the GIRLS were supposed to try to get ‘em from the guys SOME WAY and whoever had the most had a free bar bill. Don’t know how it ended up. I just know that before I left I gave about 30 of them (don’t read into that – it doesn’t take much to get some beads from drunk guys) back to Gimp and I hope he got lucky!!!
ON – OUT…Neon J J J