Hash 312 The Pseudo-Hyper of Norwood a.k.a. The Back To School Hyper. (Your tutor on all things hash-related: Lube My Johnson) Call me crazy, but I could have sworn that this hash was rigged. Silly, silly me. I went to the hyper expecting a random drawing, but some sneaky people had something else in their lesson plans. Note to Parents: Your scribe was at school before the first bell, apple in hand. We gathered at a public school in Norwood, where everyone drew straws to see who was going to be expelled for misbehavior. Since Hot Wax Me Officer was the most offensive hasher there, with her off-color jokes and constant bullying, we cast her out. She ran around the neighborhood, finding prelaid hyper trail. Hmmm. She returned with the school’s ombudsman, who threatened to sue the hash for dropping the school’s headcount and unfairly labeling a hasher so early in life. Several attorneys present jumped into the fray, offering to represent the hash until they found out the work would be pro-bono. So they’re now representing the other side. But the breaking news is that there will be an out-of-court settlement involving the hash skim. Any charges over $6 per hasher will go to the plaintiffs (attorneys). After that controversy, Gourmet began singing the PTO blues and Mount Me Faster was doing much the same about a teachers’ meeting. There was a rope hanging from a nearby tree that I was going to use to end the theme by hanging, but Hot Tub Slut pulled it down. The Unalicker, rosy-cheeked, regaled us all with talk of some West Side post office with hotty carriers in government-issue codpieces. Maybe they taught her a thing or two. “May I carry your bag, Ms. Postal Inspector? Maybe you could read this zip code for me?” Where’s your (postal post-) virgin, Una? There were also a lot of cats in the neighborhood. Come to think of it, the day was a little catty. Best Blow showed up looking neon but not like Neon (Knockers) in a dayglow yellow vest, shorts, whistle, and codpiece. For this hash, he became Best Glow. After some more drinking at school and a quick chalk talk class, the predesignated hares (Kremey in the Middle and The Unalicker) got their numbers selected and left. Vommitt Dog showed up late and two virgins, Chuck and Vanessa, were introduced. HTS did a pirouette in the circle while explaining something. We would have applauded, but school rules don’t allow individual rewards unless everyone gets one and, being catty, we weren’t about to do that. The pack Headed out and found the prelaid trail after a few detours. We quickly located the House de Kremey. There was beer and snacks there, coincidently. HTS cornered the market on the Cracker Jack but made sure everyone got a chance at it. The prize was conspicuously absent. There was also some whining about the freshness of the cheese puffs. Okay, we’re at a hyper and we have prelaid beer and snacks and someone is complaining about getting food. Where’s the principal? Somebody needs to go to the office for a little additional instruction. Kremey did not let her kitten out, in spite of his pleas, hoping to avoid a cat-astrophe. On Out as new hares were Best Glow and Curdled Cum. Back at school, we rallied and prepared to Head to Sorrento’s for the On After. Lube made buddies with a cat and looked forward to being petted himself when Asscam would show up. Meow! The local police came by the school—like that’s something that happens every day in Norwood—and said that we were littering the area with flour. We were instructed to use more so that it could be scooped with spoons. And next time, buy the unbleached, whole wheat kind. Whaddya tryin’ to do, give us IgNorwoodians colon cancer? Why I oughta... In the circle, Fudge Tracker admitted to growing chin whiskers in an preemptive comb-over attempt. Hares drank for doing a boob check without briefing one. Scum Sucking Fecal Feeliac did a ziggy zaggy (ZZ or Z-squared for you pseudo-math types) for some remark about somebody being light in the loafers (I think there was a proposal and two unidentified hashers departed for the coast). Then Tight Sphincter did a ZZ for complaining that she showed her boobs at the boob check but the guys still waited. You could say she was ZZ Top-less. (A bit of a stretch but you still read it.) Latecummers were Asscam, Fudge, Shutter Fucker, Eats It Raw, Suck This, and Vommitt. MGNs: MMF, Next Time I Cum, Homofeeliac. Alcohol Abuse: Kremey. Sneaking Out of Circle at the VD Hash: Dingleberry and Lube My Johnson. (BS Crimes ensued) Having been serenaded to their satisfaction by the circle, all diners and other patrons cleared the restaurant about this time. Analversaries: Jeweless 10 Dingleberry 25 On Her Knees 35 The Unalicker 130 Wile E. Coyote 145 Hot Wax Me Officer 175 Ziggy Zaggy: Vommitt for whistle accusation. Whistles: Jeweless, Hot Wax, Famunda. Beer Bitches Still Not Wearing Beer Bitch Shirts: the Beer Bitches. Nametags were distributed by Stinky Winky. Recipients were Asscam, On Her Knees, and Jeweless. Class dismissed! And they said school wasn’t any fun... Hashers: Beat It Best Blow Butt Digger Chuck NHN Lane Curdled Cum Dingleberry Do You Feel Peter Famunda Got Crabs? Gourmet Hot Tub Slut Hot Wax Me Officer Hyper Hand Job Jeweless Kremey In The Middle Little Boy Blue Balls Lube My Johnson Mount Me Faster Next Time I Cum On Her Knees Scum Sucking Fecal Feeliac Stinky Winkie The Unalicker Tight Sphincter Venessa NHN Rumancik Vommitt Dog Wile E. Coyote