ReHash 325 First Septendecennial Cicada Hash Hares: Stinky Winkie, Lube My Johnson We came by the billions, clawing and scratching, digging our escapes from 17 years of entombment. It was our time, our day in the sun—and our chance to get some leg. Now, I would like to point out that the last couple times we’ve emerged, it seems that we have gotten a little older and older than the humans when it comes to finally getting a little action. Grandpa was nearly arrested for indecency but now would be considered a prude at 17 chasing tail. How times have changed! As I was buzzing up to the top of an oak tree, I noticed a gathering of humans taking place. Since they’re so sex-crazed compared to us, I figured I was in for an orgy. Sure enough, they had names like Best Blow, Hot Tub Slut, Fagwhore, Sucks But Doesn’t Swallow, and The Unalicker. Then I saw two of them dressed like us cicadas. Then I saw another and another. Oh, the shame! Humans dressed as cicadas. I was so offended that they were using my kind as mascots. The outrage! As fast as I could go, I buzzed and bumped over to my attorney’s branch but saw that, it being a Saturday, the office was closed and he was out stealing from ATMs again. In three more weeks it won’t do him any good, but who am I to judge him? Anyway, I caught up with him by the restaurant up the street. As we were discussing how much damages should be, we caught a whiff of cigarette smoke coming from inside the dining area. I thought they had outlawed that stuff by now, so we decided to open a second suit against the restaurant and the city for allowing them to oppress us with their burning vegetable byproducts. Satisfied that justice would be served and that I would be rich, I went across the street to attract a few honeys with red eyes who looked like they would be interested in a sugar daddy. Just as I started my chirping, I suddenly lifted off my perch. My wings and legs couldn’t move. A shadow loomed overhead. Then huge teeth gaped overhead..... As your scribe directed traffic into the parking lot, he came across a squirrel gnawing a cicada with its wings pulled off. I guess even nutty squirrels can’t pass up such a treat as a high-protein cicada. I’m still waiting to see someone develop the South Ohio Diet, consisting of cicadas and no bread. There we were, getting ready to start the hash, but several hashers were having trouble finding the start. You would think that by now they would know not to trust the erections and to just use Mapquest or their own frontiersman skills. I, of course, always use the latter, which sometimes explains my lateness. Okay, the erections might have been a little creative, but so is trail. Who wants to come to a hash without false trail? Your hares were just starting a little early on it. Some of those wearing cicada attire were .38 Special with a cicada clinging to her back. It was made out of a sock that looked like it could fit into the mouth of the first whiner at the circle. I Repo Shit wore a t-shirt that he had created along with stickers and cicada husks all over his body. I thought I saw Gashole snatching a husk snack off him a few times, but might be mistaken, although there were many missing husks...Anyway, HTS had a cicada net hat and swatter. Neon Knockers, making a guest appearance, didn’t have any attire that I recorded but did have her own twatter. Hot Wax Me Officer and Una had large sets of wings, which picked up FM signals. Butt Digger had a costume and cake that had more chocolate than Rosie O’Donnell on a weekend. Okay, maybe not that much. Best Blow had yellow tights, not because they looked like cicada legs but because he wanted to call attention to his use of Nair. He also did have red eyes that dangled provocatively as well as bruised his temples. Your hares were, of course, dressed like mutant ninja cicadas and were nearly arrested for wearing their black masks and possessing refined flour within 100 feet of a trendy restaurant. Hares took off and put a few tricky hare arrows out to fool the motley pack. I don’t know if it worked, but it was certainly worth a try, considering that the erections and cicada droning had already put most half-minds into a state of confusion. No one followed true trail across a pond, but Wrong Nut claimed he would have done it if the honeymooner Vommitt Dog had shown up. At least one wanker, Organ Grinder, missed the first beer near then blew off trail to snag one of the hares. The first beer near was at Arlin’s or Arlen’s or Arghlun’s or whatever. Down on Ludlow. That place. The second beer near was a reward for breaking brush on the Nettles of Clifton Garden behind the Vine Street cemetery. Of course, it was Memorial Day, so we were a bit off on our planning, sending the pack through a crowded cemetery. That jokester Waxy yelled “Fire” but those paying their respects had their hearing aids turned down. Only the pack stampeded for the exits. Several rangers, including HTS, Dah Gimp, and some others that I did not record, came onto the trail just before the second beer near. Since they cut it from the wrong direction, they got lost. Now, in their defense, your wily hares had laid a bit of trail beyond a YBF, but the rules are rules and rules say no trail past a YBF. So, they missed out on Nettles Park as well as BN2. On In, Crabs? showed up first but left for another commitment. He is always getting into those commitments. He missed much chow. There was chili, chips (the manager of Fries even gave us a box of potato chips in addition to what was brought), a couple cakes, other appetizers, and more, more than was eaten. Kudos for everyone’s generosity. The circle opened with Gashole running the circle and I Get Around acting as songmeisteressnessyeschestless. She always strips to the waist when belting out her favorites, a la Ethel Mermann. She brought Lars, and claimed he was a virgin. I suppose she was referring to the hash. Visitors: Neon (Evansville, In-duh-ana), Eat A Bloody Bitch (St. Louis, Missouri) MIA: Asscam, Wrong Nut (all nuts drank, so Hairless Nut joined him), Teflon, and maybe someone else. Hares: for erections then for getting separated. Latecummers: Famunda, Curdled Cum, Teflon, Homofeeliac, Pubic Offender, Fourgasm Hare Crime: for the rangers getting mixed up, those whiners!!! Where’s the sock? About this time I noticed a cicada husk caught in Gashole’s teeth. Hmm. Torturing Cicadas: Okay now, these bugs have been waiting 17 years to crawl out, they’re about as sporting as chasing loose gravel, and they have about a 5% chance of scoring before being eaten or squashed. WHAT WAS THE POINT of killing them? There were thousands on trail but we had several individuals donning coon skin caps and tommiehawks, going after the world’s clumsiest insect as though hunting the elusive snipe. Those drinking for this crime: Eats It Raw, Best Blow, Pubic Zirconium, Wrong Nut, Neon Knockers, and possibly Pubic Offender. Cumpetitive: .38 for something unrecorded but rumor has it for pushing down a family of three in a mad dash for a numbered cicada. GPS (technology on trail): OG Camera on trail: Repo MGN: Kunt Hunt, Fagwhore Alcohol Abuse: Little Boy Blue Balls Losing Balls: Best Blow Hare Snare: the hares and OG Analversaries: 10 IGA, 20 Repo, 125 Famunda, 175 Beat It Hare Analversary: 10 Stinky Winky Birth Analversary: IGA, Sucks But Contest for Most Cicada Spirit: Repo Contest for Highest Score on Numbered Cicadas: Poo Packer Then everyone without cicada gear drank, so did those who had not had a downdown. Lost Articles: Wile E. to Fagwhore Veterans: IGA, Buckeye, Dah Gimp, Repo, Eat a Bloody, Lube My Johnson Centurion Mug: Neon Circle closed. Gorging continued. Cicadas sang. Note: Gashole left his mug behind. Note for you cumpetitive wanks: this was 100% live trail. Until the next Cicada Hash (2021), Your Scribe—Lube My Johnson Attendees: 38 Special Asscam Beat It Best Blow Butt Digger Curdled Cum Dah Gimp Eat A Bloody Bitch Eats It Raw Fagwhore Famunda Gas Hole Got Crabs? Hairless Nut Homo Feeliac Hot Tub Slut Hot Wax Me Officer I Get Around I Repo Shit Kunt Hunt Little Boy Blue Balls Lube My Johnson Neon Knockers Organ Grinder Poo Packer Pubic Offender Pubic Zirconia Special Blow Stinky Winkie stroX coX baXwards Suck This Sucks But Doesn't Swallow The Unalicker Wrong Nut