Hash 333 Triple Tres Poker Run Hares: Hot Tub Slut, Dan NHN a.k.a. “Danny” The hash is officially half way to Hell at 333 hashes. Hot Tub Slut, feeling lucky, took a risk and picked a virgin as his co-hare. He was Dan, known as Danny to his friends and Charlotte to his enemies. The other virgin was Jenny, belcherette extraordinaire. After she and Waxy put out their cigars, we got the circle started where Organ Grinder got the introductions basswards or flywards. Being a poker run, everyone was going to get at least five cards. At sign in, we all drew our first card. We were also warned that we might find cards on trail. The best hand would win, something a few lonesome hashers know all about. We dashed off into the environs of the west side and quickly found the first beer near (BN1). The card I got of course did nothing for my chances of winning. Inside was an orange concrete pig. Being the clever and original hasher I am, I went over to get on it then saw a sign “Stay Off.” Guess I’m not so original. It was still fun to see a 3-D version of a Franz Marc painting. My favorite, of course, is “Tierschicksale” in Basel, although I think most hashers might prefer his horse series. About this time, I noticed that I Repo Shit had shorts with Simpson playing cards on them. Either he has theme clothes for every hash or is just a very flamboyant dresser whose choices coincide with the hash. Homer started kicking me in the back and complaining about not getting a little conjugal time with Marge. Thanks for reminding him, Repo. Tight Box had a poker dog shirt. Now if she and Repo could have traded clothes, we would have had nothing, like my poker hand. The next BN was pretty quick on the trail. As we were drawing our cards, it was revealed that Beat It had been deflowered, as it were, on trail between the two BNs. Someone asked, “Just now?” but was told that it happened sometime in the past, at least a couple months ago, but probably longer. Turns out the guy is still there, in the same car, with the same mullet, mud flaps, and Little Kings bottles. He got a couple phone numbers off hashers in trade for some playing cards that he peeled off a floor mat. Hot Wax Me Officer was also surreptitiously hiding something naughty inside her shorts. Although embarrassed when we caught her, she kept reaching in and touching it. At first we thought it was a stash of cards, but when it started dripping, we decided to leave her alone. The Unalicker wagged her new toy, a Dayton hashers ID tag. Then THE Gundalo promptly complained that the tag had her name wrong. It should have said “THE” Unalicker, since, like Tigger, she is the only one. And just like him, she’s also bouncy, flouncy, flighty, and all that. While Una and Waxy were doing their things, .38 Special waxed fondly about cream & onion crisps. A hasher thought she said cream and one long whip but then got excited when he found out she was talking about salty snacks. We promised him that there would be some at the On-In. My notes say something about Neon Knockers feeling Una. Sorry, THE Una. Don’t know what that was about, but I hope that wasn’t the only reason Neon drove all the way from Edentown. As we left, I suddenly realized that I should get cumpetitive and start looking for cards. I promptly found nothing on trail. We soon dashed into BN3. The venue had farm tools, including scythes, on the walls. In other drinking establishments with sports themes, I have seen such items as baseball and cricket bats. Note To Self: If I open a bar—a place where people drink booze and occasionally become belligerent—remind me not to decorate it with edged weapons, clubs, or acid beakers. My card this time finally gave me three cards, not even a pair, but I was hearing that some hashers already had three-of-a-kind or better. Oh, well. Time to cheat or change my luck. I immediately found one extra card on a table that the hares had just stashed. I finally had a pair—of cards. HTS announced that there was only about three or four cards left. Mount Me Faster said that she had added a bandage to Wile E. because Bouncing Baby Ball Barrister had thrown him against the wall recently. We looked up from our conversation to hurl animal abuser insults at 4B but saw that he was busy sweet-talking the bartender, which he was doing for the entire time we were there. Don’t worry, we checked and the bartender was a woman. We were still concerned about his coyote cruelty and considered whether he deserved a turn keeping the cur. Neon, boasting about doing speed work running in Evilville, was speedily peeling the labels off others’ beer bottles. Repo, in his usual tradition of giving a memorable quote, said something to the effect of “I’m gonna blow down” another hasher. Frightened, I ducked under a table, at least that was my excuse when I was caught down there. Little Boy Blue Balls barely broke away Bouncing Baby Ball Barrister from the bartender broad before we busted out of the bar and back on trail. We dashed out on the last leg of the trail. I immediately found two wild cards, almost losing one to More Leggs. She claims that I tripped her on the way to one of them, but no one can substantiate her version of what happened, so I went from a pair to 4 queens. At the On-In, one of the virgins said that the trail was “the best trail I’ve seen.” Beat It slapped him then rode him like an orange barnyard animal until he promised to drop the sarcasm. When we started lining up to ride him, some clearheaded hasher said we better start the circle instead. Hares drank, along with Hare Helpers: 3 Way Time and Sixty Nina. Virgins drank. As they began their down-down, Quarter Barrel couldn’t help himself and flashed a moon. One virgin was immediately turned to stone. The snack hounds lost their appetites for about 30 seconds, and Homer said he could hold off on Marge for a while. Private parties and snacking resumed after a pause, so the circle was able to continue. Repo stepped out to mock the virgin hare, who he had brought, but abused some alcohol. He blew down his down-down. Hare crimes: not enough flour, too long, too few BNs. Ziggy zaggy: THE Una for yet another crime that went unrecorded. MIA: Matt NHN, MMF, Scum Sucking Fecal Feeliac, Thumper Humper, Tight Box, Up Chuck Fuck, Rocky the Microdick Squirrel, Dick The Phone. MGN: Vommitt for Jenny, Neon, Repo, Kremey in the Middle. Late Cummers: Asscam, Lube My Johnson. Pouring Beer Back Into The Pitcher: Gourmet. Counterfeit Card: Porks My Sister. Repo also got sucked into this crime somehow along with Porkless, because “when one pork drinks all...” Then because of PMS & IRS being brothers (in-law), Thumper Humper and 4B drank, plus Dan (Danny, Charlotte) for being Repo’s brother. Whew! I think I got that correct. Pointed Out the Spot Where She Lost Her Big V: Beat It. Cumpetitive Behavior: Repo, SSFF, PMS, DAS Unalicker, Waxy, Blue Balls. Technology: PMS had a cell phone that he used at BN3 and THE Una’s boob began ringing in the circle. I don’t have that PMS drank, but EL Unalicker did a waterfall. Her other boob started ringing then. Late Birthday: Julie NHN. Birth Analversaries: Neon, Dah Gimp, Homofeeliac, Up Chuck. Whistle: Homofeeliac, Waxy, Matt NHN. Mugs: Gimp, Neon, SSFF. Beer Bitch Shirts: both had their shirts for the first time that I’ve seen, but I don’t think anyone drank for the false accusation. Finally, Analversaries: 10 Thumper Humper and 3 Way Time 30 Kremey 55 Kunt Hunt 90 QB 150 Vommitt 155 Wile E. 270 HTS Hare Analversary: HTS for 60. All hares and helpers drank. Lost Badge: Gourmet found THE Una’s Peanut Shucker badge or whatever it is. Alcohol Abuse: Porkless. This time not all “porks” drank. Drinking for Not Drinking: .38 Special, Hyper Hand Job, Organ Grinder, More Leggs, Stinky Winky, Waxy, Next Time I Cum. Lube won some commemorative beer to commemorate his getting 4 queens on one hand. In some towns, that would have been occasion for a parade. But as a hasher, beer is better. After announcements, someone asked where Aching Ass was. Someone said he was in Utah. Repo then said that AA has “married more men than I can shake a stick at.” No wonder he’s got that name. Final Finally: MMF gives Wile E. to THE Una for whining and losing stuff and THE Una tried to nominate HTS for using a virgin as a hare. And some people complained that the trail was long! Half way to Hell? I think we’re at the gates already. Pass me the crisps! Your Scribe, Lube My Johnson Attendees: 38 Special Asscam Beat It Bouncing Baby Ball Barrister Dah Gimp Dan NHN Morgan Gourmet Homo Feeliac Hot Tub Slut Hot Wax Me Officer Hyper Hand Job I Repo Shit Jenny NHN Hageman Kremey In The Middle Kunt Hunt Little Boy Blue Balls Lube My Johnson Matthew NHN Murphy More Leggs Mount Me Faster Neon Knockers Next Time I Cum Organ Grinder Pork My Sister Porkless Quarter Barrel Rocky The Flying Micro-Dick Squirrel Scum Sucking Fecal Feeliac Sixty Nina Stinky Winkie The Unalicker Three Way Time Thumper Humper Tight Box Up Chuck Phuck Vommitt Dog Wile E. Coyote