11^th Anal DH3/SCH4 RED DRESS RUN!!!

 Saturday, October 15, 2005

 PLEASE NOTE:  THIS REHASH REVIEWED BY HAMILTON COUNTY POLICE DEPARTMENT, THE FBI, AND THE DEPARTMENT OF HOMELAND SECURITY.  * PORTIONS DEEMED TOO SENSITIVE HAVE BEEN REPLACED BY PUNCHLINES OF MY FAVORITE JOKES.

 Location:  Rhythm & Blues Café – Over-the-Rhine

 Hares:  Vommitt Dog, the Unalicker, Little Boy Blue Balls, and Anal Vice

 Attendees: 

[A bear and a bunny are sitting in a forest taking a shit. The bear leans over to the bunny and says "Do you ever have the problem of shit sticking to your fur"? The bunny says "No". So the bear grabs the bunny and wipes his ass.]

 I was sitting on my porch in the bright sunshine waiting for WIMP when my phone rang.  It was WIMP letting me know that “we” were running a little late.  I quickly called HTS and asked him to not start without us. [A guy comes home from work, walks into his bedroom, and finds a stranger fucking his wife. He says, "What the hell are you two doing?" His wife turns to the stranger and says, "I told you he was stupid."]

HTS said no problem but he was in California.  WIMP finally showed and her son, Wimp Jr. was sitting in the back seat – thus explaining the “we.”  Junior wasn’t wearing a red dress so he was getting dropped off somewhere. 

 We drove up into over-the-rhine.  A few folks were hanging out, there was some litter in the streets, but all together it was quiet and peaceful.  RBC is along the main drag and is a nice dark place.  ["Probably, but I don't know if I can fit another dinner roll up my ass!"] With a long bar, big dance floor, decent stage, a back door to the alley, and big windows facing the street to keep an eye out for police when running for the cars this a very nice place for today’s hash.

I walked in alone since WIMP dropped me off out front.  Like a lot of others, I dressed at the bar.  [Would you mind telling me why you don't like room 502?" asked the clerk. "Well, for one thing," said the drunk, "it's on fire."]  My neighbors got enough problems without seeing me prancing down my steps in a red chiffon nightie.  Crock pots full of chili and other stuff was on tables all along the walls.  There was going to be a pretty big feast afterwards.

Lots of primping was going on and camera flashes greeted each new arrival.  Blue huddled in the back with 38 Special getting made up.  I finally went over to the bar to sign in and realized I’d forgotten my money and whistle.  Upon seeing my IOU on the sheet, Mystic shouted, “WHAT THE FUCK?  YOU FUCKER!”  (I paid Waxy the next day – I’m not lying.)  [Two hashers are watching a dog lick his balls.  After a while one of them says, "I sure wish I could do that!"  The other one looks at him and says, "Well, I think I'd pet him first".]  Turnout was a little lower than last year but still pretty respectable.

Gourmet was wearing some nice store-bought titties with big nipples.  [Then the waitress says, "You think that's disgusting you should see him make donuts."]  Why the ladies hang on guys with fake tits is beyond my understanding.  Anyway, check out his website – he sells motorcycle stuff and sex toys.  We circled up in the bar.  Virgins, first timers, and the usual suspects were introduced to each other.  The trail was already laid, with standard marks, and NO FLOUR was used.  So, the whistles blew and out the front door went the pack.  We went south a few blocks, then east towards the courthouse.  Trail was sparse but eventually led to the pedestrian bridge over I-71.  [So two jumper cables walk into a bar.   Bartender says, "You guys better not start anything in here."]  Almost the whole pack bit on this long YBF.

The pack marched back down the steps and gathered outside the Greyhound station.  [The bartender says "We don't serve poultry!"  The chicken says "That's OK I just want a drink."]  Whistles finally blew and the pack started up the hill towards Eden Park.

Trail led up some old steps near the old museum center.  A dead guy was found on these stairs a few years ago.  [A penguin walks into a bar; he goes to the counter and asks the barman "Have you seen my brother?"  The barman asks "What does he look like?"]

There was a heck of a lot of confusion up around the art museum that took about 15-20 minutes to figure out.  [She looks the drunk up and down and says, "I've got news for you. You're going straight to hell!"  The drunk jumps up out of his seat and shouts, "Man, I'm on the wrong bus!"]   Shitty trail eventually led out the upper parking lot, down the hill, and out into the grassy lawn surrounding Mirror Lake.  Big photo op here.

We ran around the lake and down the hill into Mt. Adams.  We ran up, up, up, to a Beer Near at Crowley’s Pub.  The bar was packed and lots of beers were drunk here.  See the photo of the hasher leaning on the car outside the bar.  The guy next to him kept checking out his legs.  [The seal replies, "Anything but Canadian Club."]  This was another fine bar selection by the Hares.

     But, he’s really not gay.                 Hello Sailor!

 The pack then ran over to the Catholic Church with all the steps overlooking the Ohio River for another photo op.  [The officer then leaned over toward the lady and asked. "Does your husband always talk to you like that?"  She replied, "Only when he's drunk."] 

The pack then followed trail down the hill and crossed US 50 where we were abandoned by the Unalicker and the walkers.  [“That’s not my bellybutton!”  “That’s not my finger.”] 

 We ran by Adams Landing and down onto the riverfront.  From there we cut up through 1 Lytle Place and up onto 4^th Street where Harriettes speculated about the size of Lincoln’s johnson.  (“Did you see the size of his hands?”  “Did you see his feet?”)  ["If I could come that way," she replies.  "I wouldn't need the vibrator.] 

The pack ran west on 4^th St. where I stopped to take some photos of some people waiting for the bus.  The trail went north on Walnut and I missed the rainbow-colored BN in front of the Simon Sez bar.  Downtown Cincinnati can be a very lonely place but a guy wearing a red dress brings out the extrovert in most people.  [If you're hungry afterwards, you can eat the cucumber.]  I didn’t lack for conversation in my search for the pack.  “Don’t be shy honey, red’s your color.”  Since the trail was live after the gay bar I had no trail to find or to follow.  A strong instinct for survival guided me back north to the ON-IN where I drank beer to ease my pain at losing the pack.

  The pack trickled in after shopping at the downtown Hustler store and circled up in the biergarten in the back while the very loud band warmed up.  Curdled Cum and Shutterfucker were the latecummers I knew about.  As usual lots of beer was drunk. ["Hey," he says, "bring us three lesbians a drink."] I remember 38 Special winning best costume – even though “Josie” had added some red leather boots at the last minute.  Gourmet won for best male costume – if I’m wrong I’ll just have to drink for it.

 The band fired up and the pack drifted in to listen, dance, eat chili and watch Elvis’ videos playing on the big screen TV’s.  The volume of the music pushed me out back where I found P-Head and a few others having a quiet private party.  He greeted me with, “I can’t believe you got lost on a dead-fucking trail!!”  [A horse walks into a bar.  “Why the long face?” said the bartender.]  I couldn’t believe it either.  In my defense, I range so much I’m not used to actually following trail.

 Crimes deciphered from the crappy beer-soaked notes Una handed me:

 IMG – Striptease in gay bar
Una & Organ - ?
IMG – MGN
Missing obvious red ____?
P.O. – admitted he is too easy
Vommitt – flirting with gay bartender
Famunda – broke potty in gay bar (IMG says that hole in the wall was there before you got there)
Best Blow – gusset problem
Gourmet – breasts too uneven, perky, nipply, saggy
Vommitt – pink dress
Elvis – blue socks
Vel – called 38 to get bra in St. (?)
Gay & W.N. – catfight on trail
No chalk for pack
Jen & Wrong Nut – sharing beauty tips
Jen – wearing Vommitt’s dress from last year
Gourmet – bragged that everyone wants to play with his boobs
Y=Pi – beer crime
Knees – MGN
AA – lost trail on dead trail

 Analversaries:
Jenny NHN Hageman - 5
Whistle In My Pants - 10
Teflon - 55
Penis Head - 65
I'm Not Gay - 70
Got Crabs? - 115
Organ Grinder - 169
Mystic Blow - 245

 See you at the next Hash!

 AA