As told by Serving Seaman

After looking up the erections, one phone call to Hot Tub Slut, another one to Little Boy Blue Balls, guessing which way to turn on Victory, and ducking from footballs and Frisbees thrown over the car, we finally found our way to the beer and sign in book. And only 20 minutes late - plenty of time before chalk talk. The hares, Gourmet and Hyper Hand Job, were nicely matched with their black shorts and Tabasco-look-a-like hash tank tops. Hyper was gracious enough to wear spandex, which Aching Ass admired for far too long. Coincidentally (??), Best Blow showed up in the same tank top and black shorts, and was quickly snatched up as the third hare.*

The hares were off no later than 40 minutes after the proposed start time of 1900. Is that Chicago time or Sin City time? For the next ten minutes, the pack argued over which hares to follow - Hyper Hand Job took off to the left through a park and a patch of shiggy, while Best Blow followed Gourmet dropping three marks towards the street. Eventually, the consensus was three marks is pretty damn close to on-on, so we walked/scurried at the one-minute warning following Blow's and Gourmet's trail. And... as half-minds tend to be ... we were wrong. We stood at the intersection scratching our heads, "Do you see a mark? I don't see anymore marks." "Was that four?" "No, I think it was only three." "Well, where's the fourth?" "I don't know. Where was the last mark?" "Are we even on trail?"

Thank goodness for whistles and our Little Boy Blue Balls who followed Hyper's trail. Butt Digger was back to her old ways as she was the FRB for quite some time. Curdled Cum guessed it was about 3 to 4 miles to the first beer near, which was on top of a bridge that looked down on trail. A perfect spot to dump water on the DFL's. From the BN, the pack walked (jogged when they could) through the path that went in between the poison ivy leaves. Fumunda led, as she seemed to have a knack for spotting the vicious plant. The second BN, unlike the first, was only a half-mile away. A large HS was written on the ground 20 yards in front of the BN. And Slut struck again! He claims he doesn't keep tabs on his hare snares ... riiiiight. Soon after, Got Crabs? took credit for the second... yes second ... hare snare. And of course, Gimp had to get in on the action as well ... completing the "TriFuckta" of snarers.

The pack stayed together for the most part. Of course the off-trail wanks came in before the pack... and of course, Una was nowhere to be seen; nor were the 3 virgins?? And of course, everyone left them to fend for themselves while the pack drove to the on-after for more beer. Gashole brought out the hares as shouts of, "Too far between the beer nears" and "Not enough hares snares" came from the pack. Una arrived shortly after the start of circle. Luckily Serving Seamen's bag was in her car, so when she went to retrieve it, she noticed that Una had left her car running during circle. How she avoided Old Mc Hasher we're still not sure.

Pack crimes included the Get-a-Lifers who had completed the six hash events in six days. Slut refused to drink for falsely accusing the hares of leaving a bag with remnants of orange flour on trail. Gourmet still hasn't 'fessed up to it. And when the virgins finally found their way to the bar, there was much rejoicing.

   *To determine if you need an additional co-hare please use the following calculations and table below:

 Start with 300

Subtract number of hashes attended

Subtract average age of hares

Subtract the number of times hares have ridden bicycle across country

Subtract the number of consecutive Flying Pig Marathons ran

                             SCORE

 258-300:    At least one hare is not old enough to drink.  Take a co-hare and make sure he is a lawyer.  Suggestions Hot Tub Slut, Baby Ball Barrister or Brown and Runny

 220-258:    You are in your prime.  To make it fair on the pack you should select a co-hare that is dead weight to slow you down.  Suggestions: someone on crutches, an Old Fart or The Una Licker.

 175-220:     You are the perfect hare combination.  No need to take another co-hare unless you want to help them pad their stats.  Suggestion The Una Licker.

 100-175:     One of you might be getting a little long in the tooth.  If so make sure the other one knows CPR and select a third hare that is familiar with location to take over. Suggestion: depends on location.

 50-100:       Both of you are getting up in years.  Select a co-hare that believes in the no hare left behind philosophy.  Suggestions:  one of the marines.

 0-50:           Why the hell are you two even haring? You're gonna need a co-hare and it is going to have to be lightning fast Best Blow!!

 Below 0       Does the home even know you are out???